All you need to know

Say you come into my store and want to purchase groceries using some form of plastic payment card. Your friendly checker has bagged all your items and now it is time for you to pay. Okay, here is how it works:

Read the instructions on the machine in front of you before you just go ahead and slide your payment card. These instructions should tell you how to proceed.

Yes, they are all different, aren't they?

In my store, this is the order of steps that you will follow. I will detail each step and give an example of how things can go wrong quickly. Don't worry, it is not that hard. Really!

1. Slide your store's rewards card or enter your phone number that is connected with the card so that you can get special savings on your order. Your checker can help you with this or even give you a card if you are still unfamiliar with this program. And many people are! They have no idea what a club card is or what it is for. Just use it. No one is compiling your secret shopping information to get you later. You will save some money instead of giving it to the store just because you are being paranoid.

2. Right now our store is collecting donations for MDA. That's Jerry's Kids. The screen will ask you if you want to make a donation. There will be a YES button and a NO button. Press either one. Do not slide your payment card, yet. It does not say to do that. Read the screen. Read what it says. If you are having trouble seeing the screen just ask your checker for help. Don't keep sliding your payment card. It won't work!

3. You will see a screen that says "Select Payment Type". Press one of the buttons depending on how you want to pay. Your choices are Gift Card, Debit/Credit (one button for either one), SCheck or EBT. First of all- THERE IS NO BUTTON TO PRESS IF YOU ARE PAYING CASH! You just hand us the money. Second- EBT does not stand for Debit. It is for the Food Stamp Card. SCheck does not mean that you are writing a check, but that one is confusing. Just write a check and leave that button alone. Gift Card is for all store gift cards. Just remember- PRESS THE BUTTON AND THEN SLIDE YOUR CARD.

4. Okay, NOW SLIDE YOUR PAYMENT CARD! Yay!

If you follow these steps even a fraction of the times that you visit the store your checker will think you are a genius and will treat you with reverence and respect. Thank you for your efforts.

Whew! I am glad to be getting that out of my system. As you might be able to tell, this is just about my number one pet peeve about working at the grocery store. If these instructions make one customer or checker have a better day, it was all worth it.